The St. Mary Mead Murders

Written by Will Haynes Some Hack

Published on: 30th December 2017 


A Miss Jane Marple, 98, of St. Mary Mead, Hampshire, has been charged with a string of cold-blooded murders over a sixty-seven year period. In a shocking twist it has been revealed that due to a combination of police incompetence, class-influenced nepotism, and slack investigative journalism (many newspapers at the time, not just The Sun, risibly portrayed the serial killer spinster as a loveable amateur sleuth) Miss Marple was not only able to interfere with the investigations but actively succeeded in framing a plethora of innocent victims for her monstrous crimes. It is unclear whether she committed the murders for perverse gratification or simply for personal gain but either way she is now thought to be Britain’s most active serial killer and the most prolific “fit-up” artist in history, outranking the former holder of the Guinness Book of Records title, a Mr U Po Kyin of Burma. And St. Mary Mead has now been ranked, alongside the county of Midsomer, UK, and Helmand province, Afghanistan, statistically one of the most dangerous places to live in the world.

In a further metafictional twist, Marple, now known as “Grandma Death”, was the subject of a series of non-fiction novels by the true crime writer Agatha Christie. At this stage it is unconfirmed whether Christie was a willing accomplice or little more than an innocent patsy manipulated by “Grandma Death” Marple into covering for her crimes by adding a veneer of respectability, but mostly celebrity glamour, to the ageing chairwoman of the Winchester Women’s Institute and ruthless, sadistic mass murderer. The Christie foundation has declined to comment in the face of calls, spearheaded on Twitter by a social justice activist that goes by the handle @ruthrendellfoundation, for all backdated proceeds of the novels to be donated to a charity for the victims’ families, also administered by @ruthrendellfoundation, along with the banning of all existing Christie novels henceforth. Additionally, there is currently an online petition to strip Miss Marple of her CBE, and a public burning of all Christie’s published works, also fuelled largely by Twitter user @ruthrendellfoundation. Theresa May has declined to comment.

Britain’s last hanging, Professor Plum of Oxon, is now thought to have been another of Grandma Death’s scalps. Corroboration from witnesses to support the investigation has proved somewhat difficult as, even after the death penalty was abolished in the United Kingdom, many of Marple’s framed victims died while in police custody. This has come to shine a light on possible police corruption and clearly unfounded allegations of so-called press collusion at the time. The Sun, in entirely unrelated terms of culpability to this last accusation, would like to make reluctant posthumous apologies to Colonel Mustard of Ashby de la Zouch and some other less distinguished victims (please see pages 36-39 for full listings), most of whom were put to death as a result. Donations are still very welcome to support The Sun’s campaign for the reintroduction of the death penalty, trending on Twitter as #frythebastards.

In a possible related thread to the investigations, it is believed that Istanbul police, in conjunction with Interpol, wish to speak to a Mr. Hercule Poirot of Brussels in regards to an incident on the Orient Express some 70 plus years ago. The Belgian national, incidentally the world’s oldest man, has been reported as missing and therefore unavailable for questioning since the revelation of Marple’s activities broke on Thursday evening. See Trevor Kavanagh’s column in “The Sun Says” on page 7 for a further detailed analysis of why The Daily Mail and not The Sun is to blame for colluding in any alleged miscarriages of justice(s).

More to follow.

© Will Haynes 2017

(with Agatha Christie spinning in her grave)

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